Ponderings. . .

So I've known this for a while, but the age of the '06 senior blogging world is over. I'm not sad . . .really! Normally I'm a highly sentimental person - believe it or not- but I'm completely willing to let go of high school, not the friendships and things. Though I miss seeing some of my best friends every day, I'm well adjusting to the ins and outs of college. Anyways, to the point of this (I know no one will read this! Btw) I'm changing the mood of this blog. I never really had a great ideal that I wanted to meet, but just put up things interesting to me, or stories. Now I want this to be kinda a record of the things in my life I ponder, hopefully religious topics, or even things I wrestle with daily. That's my announcement and on to the first real post:

I've always been great at getting a concept straight in my brain, my beliefs, imaginations, and even things I'm learning in school. I want to be able to say what I see or know. I've never been able to directly enunciate what I'm attempting to portray very easily. Examples being my fears, thoughts and dreams. I tend to ponder in shapes and meaningless glimpses of concepts rather in a whole and clear picture that would be easy to describe.

Why can't I see a whole picture? I think its a good thing like when I tackle a project that I have a vague idea of how I want the thing to look, sound or appear. It makes it easier to transfer ideas from brain to paper, and to modify them part-way throughout the construction. (examples being banners in high school, which I don't understand how I always ended up leading and fighting with half the class, but that's fine!) This really bothers me when people ask me questions about how I want to proceed in life or even a thought provoking question that I can't seem to verbalize.

I know things that I'm scared of. Like snakes, I'm terrified of them, but if you have a movie about them I'll watch it regardless of the genre (most often horror) I think its a fake way for me to confront that fear, which I know is pretty irrational. But there are vague things too (which are also irrational), like I'm scared that I will never find a vocation that I love, something that I look forward to working in or where I can use imagination or just develop new ideas. Or, the last thing that I want to do is be a stay-at-home mom and home school my kids. Working out of the home is ok, but I don't have the patience for being around my kids day after day, and not dealing with coworkers! I know that I want to get married, but I have a fear of regrets, anyways more about that later. I'm scared of not doing well in school, flunking out and having no where to go. I'm always scared about losing my dad. I didn't realize this until recently that every time he's sick or something is wrong I get so tense and uptight.In fact this is my biggest fear, and its taken me years to notice. I know that I love my daddy to death, and that I have great memories with him and a great relationship, but I'm so selfish that I convince myself that it would be unfair of God to take him from me, even though I know that is untrue, it is so hard for me to face this. I fear hardships in life, my future, growth in my walk with Christ because I know its going to be hard and that I have a lot of things I keep hold of from God. I have a lot of things I hold back from God that need to be released to him. Its not that I constantly fear these things, just that in trials I worry, when in times of peace I can give them to God.

I know my dreams and those things that I imagine in the stillness of a moment. I dream of travel, of living in a foreign country. London, Ireland, Scotland, Venice, Rome, Quebec, D.C., Chicago, Switzerland, Montana,, Australia, Alaska, Tokyo, Bombay, Morroco, New Zealand, Paris, Bermuda, Fiji, and a million other places. I want to work with people from all over the world, I think about politics, stage managing, history, medicine, and yet again a million other vocations. I dream big dreams, and I know not all of them are going to come true. I want to go to the moon, I want to be the first woman to do something, and the first person to do something as well, I want to meet the president, the queen of England, and visit stages around the world just to explore the backstage areas, I want to work for a Broadway musical, write books, shop with movie stars, own a house full of clothes, and live in a palace, I want to fly around the world on a whim. Ride a horse at the edge of the sea, sit on the edge of a cliff, swim at the base of a waterfall, sleep under the stars, watch the Northern Light, and go to the North and South poles, visit a top secret military base. I want to attend big sports matches and own a soccer team, white water raft in the Grand Canyon, climb a mountain, own a ridiculously expensive car, be a CEO, have Harrod's close for me to shop, fly a plane, ride a train across the US. I'd love to snorkel the Great Barrier Reef, pet a penguin, ride an elephant, and look eye-to eye with a tiger.

I want to be a wife, have my first kid before 30, have a minimum of 3 kids, own a home, raise a family, have grandkids and retire to my dream house. I dream of being a soccer mom and racing across town for sports practices, music lessons, and ballet. My refrigerator is going to be plastered with art and pictures and reminders about taking cookies to school for a pizza party. My kids will grow up believing they can do anything because they can't fail in my eyes, they are going to imagine they are superheros, fly to the moon in their beds, be a princess, and world-famous chefs. I want church to be their favorite place, and their parents their best friends. I want them to screw up and know that life goes on. Bomb a few tests and stay out all night, and learn from their mistakes. I want them to break their hearts and find true love, cry and laugh, live life to the fullest and never look back.

I'm so grateful for my life and all the time I have left to explore where I'm going and make a few mistakes. I know that wherever I go God's with me and he will always give me a hand to guide me as long as I think to ask him, and even when I don't!