Semester Ends

Ever notice how toward the end of a semester time seems much more flexible? The beginning you have to just time everything right to make class, hitch a ride from one side of campus to the other. . . .then suddenly you're eating an hour and a half lunch reading a novel, and meeting friends to chat.

What happens to change all of a sudden? Do priorities change? Do we just become used to the stress and adapt? All I know is that stress is no longer so suffocating and homework doesn't take the huge amounts of time that it once did. A social life returns and even leisure time is available! I'm so excited to get to that point soon!

Caffeine

It is midnight. I worked at the Long Center for almost six and a half hours.

I had two Mt. Dews and a Starbucks Mocha. I'm 'growing up' which means I can swallow real coffee without wanting to scrub my tongue. Its nice, very helpful when attempting to pay attention to the boom of lights falling your way, or when needing to corral twenty-five two year olds as in my Sunday school class.

There is still dust in my eyes, nose and under my fingernails. This is going to be taken care of and then my bed is calling me. By the way, those people who take sarcasm as attempts to prove their wit are not on my good side. If I'm tired and annoyed enough to mention that someone might take a ride on the flys for not paying attention I am not requesting a lecture on my responsibility to forewarn the 'innocent' choir and actors!

I still think being a stage manager would be cool, but they don't have much of a sense of humor. . what a pity!

*Sigh* Exams!

I hate school!

I'm going to drop out and become an artist who hits balloons filled w/ paint on a beach in Belize. I'm going to raise fifteen children on the beach and let them run a muck. I like that word. I want to ignore the rules of society and avoid actual work forever. Who needs Spanish? Why plague me with correct grammar when we all know that no one cares. The people in Belize will find my second-grade level Spanish grammar charming. I'm sure!

I love the Passion Play.
Really, I do. I've been doing it since I was in third grade, so why now do I just want to yell at everyone and inform them that I know how its supposed to work, so let's do it the way that's proven? Urrrg, people. That's the worst. I'm normally a nice person. If I can help out people I'll do whatever I can to do so, so why the urges to strangle inquisitive people who interrupt my daydreamings?

Honestly I can see why I think I might not do it anymore. That does seem to be a curious thought. I love it, I love the backstage adventure. The hours and effort it takes to do everything for any production. I love the consistency that no matter the play, the concepts for the stage crew is the same. I still even debate today if I want to change my major and do this for a living. Become a stage manager! Then I realize, people don't want to listen to little 'ole me. I'm small, I have a loud voice and I'm a girl. Combine this all together and you get people ignoring me. Nothing makes me more mad. . . Somedays I make too much sense even to myself!

Exams suck. I have four this week. I thought it was merely three, until I walked into class. . .and well at least I have great reading retention! I think I aced it. . no problems, just suicidal poets.

I want caffeine, chocolate and sleep. No more exams, no Passion Play just rest and sleep and people I want to see.

I have red hair.

I did it, I really and truly allowed Rebecca Thomas near my head with a bottle of dye, please, don't die from shock.

I was bored. I don't want to stay boring, yes, I do consider myself boring. Completely and utterly dull.

School

Hmmm what to say? I'm really busy, and that's basically it. I'm not working at Moe's anymore, yes, I know it is sad. I miss my people from there, but I have a little more of a life now, actually not true. I have less of a life than last semester. Tirz has gone and left me, and Adrienne is still gone. I'm appreciating Tyler more and more just for being around, since I'm not sure who to talk to sometimes. I love talking to Adrienne, she understands EXACTLY where I'm coming from, and Tirz always knew just what I was keeping from myself, and denying.
I don't have a lot of drama, mostly these days it's just exhaustion. I have four classes on MWF and only one on Tues. and two on Thurs. I have been really good w/ homework until last night, but that's just putting some off until this weekend to get some family time in and to see a new CSI. I'm correcting all those bad habits I had in high school regardin homework, but not neatness. I'm still really disorganized when I'm stressed which makes everything worse! I'm also working at the HSSE library on campus, and its really relaxing easy work though dry and dusty. I'm not so involved in any clubs or anything, but I am in a Bible study, that I'm getting a lot out of, and working through some new areas and patching up old. I miss first semester, hanging out a lot of nights like it was Fri. but I'm learning that this isn't bad, just focusing on studies, more so because I actually have homework now, and classes that I pretty much like. Its nice, I'm doing good. I've finally got my migraines under control, and though I've had one or two even w/ the medication its good to not worry about them all the time!
I'm out, going to PBF tonight, and let's confess, I've just been avoiding homework anyways by writing this, so I'll be good tomorrow and clean and do homework, so we'll see how that works out!

Ponderings. . .

So I've known this for a while, but the age of the '06 senior blogging world is over. I'm not sad . . .really! Normally I'm a highly sentimental person - believe it or not- but I'm completely willing to let go of high school, not the friendships and things. Though I miss seeing some of my best friends every day, I'm well adjusting to the ins and outs of college. Anyways, to the point of this (I know no one will read this! Btw) I'm changing the mood of this blog. I never really had a great ideal that I wanted to meet, but just put up things interesting to me, or stories. Now I want this to be kinda a record of the things in my life I ponder, hopefully religious topics, or even things I wrestle with daily. That's my announcement and on to the first real post:

I've always been great at getting a concept straight in my brain, my beliefs, imaginations, and even things I'm learning in school. I want to be able to say what I see or know. I've never been able to directly enunciate what I'm attempting to portray very easily. Examples being my fears, thoughts and dreams. I tend to ponder in shapes and meaningless glimpses of concepts rather in a whole and clear picture that would be easy to describe.

Why can't I see a whole picture? I think its a good thing like when I tackle a project that I have a vague idea of how I want the thing to look, sound or appear. It makes it easier to transfer ideas from brain to paper, and to modify them part-way throughout the construction. (examples being banners in high school, which I don't understand how I always ended up leading and fighting with half the class, but that's fine!) This really bothers me when people ask me questions about how I want to proceed in life or even a thought provoking question that I can't seem to verbalize.

I know things that I'm scared of. Like snakes, I'm terrified of them, but if you have a movie about them I'll watch it regardless of the genre (most often horror) I think its a fake way for me to confront that fear, which I know is pretty irrational. But there are vague things too (which are also irrational), like I'm scared that I will never find a vocation that I love, something that I look forward to working in or where I can use imagination or just develop new ideas. Or, the last thing that I want to do is be a stay-at-home mom and home school my kids. Working out of the home is ok, but I don't have the patience for being around my kids day after day, and not dealing with coworkers! I know that I want to get married, but I have a fear of regrets, anyways more about that later. I'm scared of not doing well in school, flunking out and having no where to go. I'm always scared about losing my dad. I didn't realize this until recently that every time he's sick or something is wrong I get so tense and uptight.In fact this is my biggest fear, and its taken me years to notice. I know that I love my daddy to death, and that I have great memories with him and a great relationship, but I'm so selfish that I convince myself that it would be unfair of God to take him from me, even though I know that is untrue, it is so hard for me to face this. I fear hardships in life, my future, growth in my walk with Christ because I know its going to be hard and that I have a lot of things I keep hold of from God. I have a lot of things I hold back from God that need to be released to him. Its not that I constantly fear these things, just that in trials I worry, when in times of peace I can give them to God.

I know my dreams and those things that I imagine in the stillness of a moment. I dream of travel, of living in a foreign country. London, Ireland, Scotland, Venice, Rome, Quebec, D.C., Chicago, Switzerland, Montana,, Australia, Alaska, Tokyo, Bombay, Morroco, New Zealand, Paris, Bermuda, Fiji, and a million other places. I want to work with people from all over the world, I think about politics, stage managing, history, medicine, and yet again a million other vocations. I dream big dreams, and I know not all of them are going to come true. I want to go to the moon, I want to be the first woman to do something, and the first person to do something as well, I want to meet the president, the queen of England, and visit stages around the world just to explore the backstage areas, I want to work for a Broadway musical, write books, shop with movie stars, own a house full of clothes, and live in a palace, I want to fly around the world on a whim. Ride a horse at the edge of the sea, sit on the edge of a cliff, swim at the base of a waterfall, sleep under the stars, watch the Northern Light, and go to the North and South poles, visit a top secret military base. I want to attend big sports matches and own a soccer team, white water raft in the Grand Canyon, climb a mountain, own a ridiculously expensive car, be a CEO, have Harrod's close for me to shop, fly a plane, ride a train across the US. I'd love to snorkel the Great Barrier Reef, pet a penguin, ride an elephant, and look eye-to eye with a tiger.

I want to be a wife, have my first kid before 30, have a minimum of 3 kids, own a home, raise a family, have grandkids and retire to my dream house. I dream of being a soccer mom and racing across town for sports practices, music lessons, and ballet. My refrigerator is going to be plastered with art and pictures and reminders about taking cookies to school for a pizza party. My kids will grow up believing they can do anything because they can't fail in my eyes, they are going to imagine they are superheros, fly to the moon in their beds, be a princess, and world-famous chefs. I want church to be their favorite place, and their parents their best friends. I want them to screw up and know that life goes on. Bomb a few tests and stay out all night, and learn from their mistakes. I want them to break their hearts and find true love, cry and laugh, live life to the fullest and never look back.

I'm so grateful for my life and all the time I have left to explore where I'm going and make a few mistakes. I know that wherever I go God's with me and he will always give me a hand to guide me as long as I think to ask him, and even when I don't!